Arrogant Alan (A Children’s Fable)

Dear Sir/Madam,

I’m by far the best animal in the whole wide world.
No other animal can compare to me.
I’m better at dancing than a boa constrictor.
I’m better at tennis than a bumblebee.

I’m the cleverest creature that ever existed.
I learned all I know from daytime tv.
I’d outsmart a badger on Jeremy Kyle.
I’d beat a cat at Countdown and have sausages for tea.

I’m the bestest beastie since records began.
I once won an award from the BBC.
I’m greater than a gecko and cooler than a camel.
Suaver than a sausage dog, I’m sure you’ll agree.

I’m the most handsome organism to ever draw breath.
Michelangelo’s David ain’t got nothing on me.
I’ve got smarter facial hair than a Walrus at a barber’s shop.
A bigger horn than a Narwhal, the largest in the sea.

Oh what’s the point, you don’t believe me.
I’m a compulsive liar, that much is true.
I’m actually a particularly boring type of worm.
I’m very unimpressive, and I live in a poo.

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused.

Yours sincerely,

Alan the poo worm (age 7 months)

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