Dog with a Job

Dog with a job
Earning his keep
No time to stop
No time to sleep

Dog with a job
Works at the border
Sniffing for drugs
Maintaining order

Dog with a job
Works on a farm
Herding the sheep
Guarding the barn

Dog with a job
In a hi-viz vest
Rescues lost hikers
She’s simply the best

Dog with a job
Patient and kind
Warning the deaf
Guiding the blind

Dog with a job
Joined the police
Catches the bad guys
Who breach the peace

Cat with a job
Oh no. Oh god no
Why is the barn on fire?
Is that shit in the toaster?!
We should probably call an ambulance for that blind man, it looks like the car hit him quite hard
Cat fired from job

A bit of daftness inspired by my friend Griffin, the dog in the photo. Many thanks to Sarah for letting me use the picture (@sarah_hobbs_illustrates on IG) and to Michaela Collins (@mcscaninephotography on IG) who took the picture. Dedicated to the hard working dogs who make the world a better place – you’re all the goodest boys and girls.

I Was Only Stroking It, Guv’nor!

They’ve written about me in the paper again.
They say I love wildlife a little too much.
I’m the innocent victim of a media campaign.
I admit I like to look but I try not to touch.

They won’t let me into the zoo any more.
My annual pass has been revoked.
They say I made a pass at a labrador.
They say I was present when a panda was poked.

I assure you all that my intentions are pure.
I vehemently deny all allegations.
They claim I’m excited by the scent of manure.
Allow me to explain, forgive the alliteration.

I HAVE NOT:
Spooned with a seal, southwest of Swansea.
Kissed a kestrel in a kimono called Keith.
Ogled an octopus wearing a onesie.
Held hands with a hedgehog on Hampstead Heath.

I STRENUOUSLY DENY:
Cuddling a caribou in a canoe.
Fondling a ferret in a frumpy frock.
Buggering a badger in a bright blue bra.
Wanking a walrus into a sock*.

*It was actually a tea towel. Not to be confused with a teat owl.

My passion for nature has killed my reputation.
I promise guv’nor, I was only stroking the dalmation.